Why we settle for crumbs when we need a meal
and Stitch & Bitch Healing Circle TODAY (Fri) at 2pm EST!
Hello Beautiful Human Person,
Before we dive in, our next Stitch & Bitch Healing Circle is happening TODAY at 2pm. Join me! Any projects and any feelings welcome: https://meet.google.com/ziy-tdwa-edy
Recently, several of the folks I work with have been navigating a dynamic where a friend/lover/partner offers tiny little moments of love or connection. These tiny moments are just enough to keep folks feeling like there’s some potential in the relationship, but not enough to really meet their needs. They end up feeling insecure, uncertain, confused.
Pop Psychology calls this “bread-crumbing” but seems to think it’s mainly present in dating relationships. I am here to tell you, this happens in all kinds of relationships: friendships, family connections, partnerships, all of it.
One person is offering crumbs. The other wants a full meal. The person who is getting the crumbs stays in the relationship longer than is healthy because the crumbs are satisfying in a tiny way. The person giving the crumbs knows this (not always consciously) and offers just enough to maintain interest without having to give anything real or meaningful of themself.
Here’s the thing: humans are meant to be in relationships with others that meet our social and emotional needs. Our brains are built for relationships that offer a full meal, not just crumbs.
These tiny bits of connection are not enough, so why do we settle for crumbs. Some possibilities:
You learned this is the way love/friendship/connection is supposed to be. If your caregivers wouldn’t or couldn’t offer you much, you learned to survive on crumbs.
You don’t feel worthy or deserving of more. You feel like you’re bad, not-good-enough, or a burden, so you’re not surprised when all you get is crumbs.
The crumbs light up the reward pathways in your brain, creating an addiction-like experience, where you keep coming back for the inconsistent rewards, the hardest type for our brain to resist.
You don’t feel secure in an abundance of love, so you’ll put up with crumbs because it’s better than nothing.
If you’re finding yourself in this dynamic, here are some ideas for breaking this cycle:
Take a look at yourself. What unhelpful beliefs about yourself do you carry? Notice how you react when you get a crumb and in the moments immediately after for clues. What is your self-talk like in those moments?
Try to find the root of the pattern. What is keeping you in the cycle? When did you learn that connection was supposed to be like this?
Push back on the thoughts that are keeping you stuck in this pattern. What if you deserve a full meal? What if there are folks out there who want to offer you more?
Lean into relationships that are giving you more or feel more balanced. If you don’t really have any of those, evaluate which connections you think you’d be most likely to get a little more from, and ask for it. Or try to make some new connections with folks who are able to give you more.
Get help when you need it. This is HARD WORK! And can be really difficult to do alone. A good therapist or coach who specializes in trauma or relationships should be able to help. A wise, loving friend or mentor could be a great support. Or maybe the Healing Relationship Trauma Group that I’m offering starting in January would be a good fit.
We’ll spend 12 weeks together diving deep into our beliefs about ourselves that keep us stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns like this. Learn more and sign up.
Let’s Rest Around The Hearth
If you, like me, are craving a slower, more intentional, more restful holiday season, join Amy Walsh of The Nettle Witch and I for Around the Hearth, a 14-Day Winter Solstice Reset.
If you:
want to tap into the peace, coziness, and renewal of the solstice season
are longing to sink into the rest that comes with darkness rather than getting swept up in busy-ness
Let’s gather for 14 days around the virtual hearth: connect to old stories, nature, nurturing teas, and yourself. Learn a few strategies to protect your peace while you’re here.
Starting December 18th, every day you’ll get an email with permission, ideas, tips, recipes, and activities to help you ease into the darkest part of the year. I will share how to set boundaries and intentions so this season can be a peaceful time. Amy will share recipes and stories to help you connect with herbal allies and archetypal guides so that you can fortify and tend to yourself and your loved ones.
And on Yule, December 21st from 2-3:30pm ET, we’ll host a virtual cozy crafternoon to help you reflect, celebrate, or chill out. We’ll share a few reflection questions. Come as you are, and any projects are welcome! Grab your fuzzy socks, a blanket, a candle if you’re feeling witchy, and craft with us!
$11
As a thank you to the best subscribers in all the land, use the code YAYYULE for $4 off.
Paid subscribers to ROAR Healing Relationship Trauma get to join for free! Your sign up link is behind the paywall below.
No one will be turned away for lack of funds. Hit reply if you want to join, but money’s too tight.
Reflection Questions:
Do you settle for crumbs? If so, why?
How would you describe your closest relationships now? How about when you were a kid?
Tarot Spread:
To use this spread:
Shuffle your Tarot or oracle cards, setting the intention to explore your relationship to the theme. Lay out your cards, left to right. Flip your cards over in the way you laid them down. Interpret each card based on the intention set for each card. Reflect on the insight you’ve received.
Community Offerings
Going through the Artist’s Way with Ana super charged my creative growth and my confidence in myself. I HIGHLY recommend this group if you want: more ease in your relationship with your creative self, to welcome more creativity into your life, or support to work through creative blocks. Ana is an AMAZING, wise, gentle, compassionate facilitator who makes it safe to grow. Learn more & sign up!
Actions:
Jessica Craven writes Chop Wood Carry Water, where she shares daily actions to resist authoritarianism. She makes it very easy to take action, including thoughtful and down-to-Earth scripts that are targeted to representatives based on their political affiliation.
SURJ is running their 10-week “Gear Up Training and Action Program” – a powerful opportunity to build our skills, community and power in the lead up to 2025. Together, we’ll learn from social justice experts about how we organize under authoritarianism, we’ll get trained in skills we’ll need to fight back, and together in a community of thousands, we’ll take action together. Learn more and sign up.
